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Skeletor1991
06-29-2009, 10:38 PM
OK well I thought I would throw up some older stuff of mine on here and see what everyone thinks. The reason I am actually posting them into this post is cause my computer won't let me put them in any other way. :?

(This first one was a school project I did in like 20 mintues XD)

Trees in the Wind

It was a cold spring morning when the wind came.
Moving in like a car striking the peak of its speed gauge.
Looking outside; seeing it begin to slam into the trees in the yard.
A beautiful sight indeed.

The trees rocked and creaked, back and forth in the wind as it hammered them.
I watched in awe, thinking how outstanding the view really was.
The trees were like people waving their hands in the air.

They showed what Mother Earth really is,
Showing how full of life this land truly is.
The trees continued to wobble and then,
It all stopped.

The wind had passed and the show was over.
I turned around, wishing I could see more, and noticed; I was late for school.

(Alright here is another one I did just for fun. It's more like a short story and takes place in the world of Warhammer 40k. Enjoy. :D It is almost more graphic so be adviced.)

Torment of a Commissar
“Alright, you Imperial dogs,” the commissar shouted through the sounds of las rifles firing and shell impacting the ground. Four soldiers of the Imperial Guard gradually made their way over to him. The commissar pulled out a long, blood drenched, leather whip and clashed it against the ground. All of the Guardsmen sprinted at him when he did this.

“What the HELL are all of you doing out there,” the commissar barked. All of the soldiers just looked back and forth at each other. The commissar walked to the first soldier in line and stared into his “soul.” Suddenly, the commissar noticed the soldier’s rifle was missing. “Where is your rifle you piece of crap,” the commissar asked. The soldier hesitated for a moment, then finally got words out of the pit of his throat, “I….lost it sir.” That was a bad choice of words.

The commissar squinted his eye and rose his left arm from his cloak; revealing a small las pistol. He raised the pistol to the soldier’s head height and fired two small las rounds into the soldier’s skull. “If you can’t care for your own weapon; you can’t care for your own life,” the commissar said.

The soldier fell to the ground; making a gagging noise of pain and misery. In less that a couple of second; he died. Now, only three soldiers remained.

Now, the commissar was walking towards the next victim of “his war.”

This soldier was trembling in place; almost lost his own balance. “I noticed you weren’t out with the rest of the squad during the first assault,” said the executioner. “I…I wa….was”; the soldier couldn’t finish his sentence. The commissar pulled out his leather whip and cracked it four times across the soldier’s body. After the blows were inflicted, the soldier fell the ground and pasted out. Two remained.

Before the commissar could even walk over to the next soldier; the soldier had dropped his weapon and started to run. In almost one consecutive movement, the commissar had pulled out his sword and made a downward slash at the traitor’s legs. Once the blade made its “perfect cut,” the soldier turned into three different pieces and fell to the ground as well. The soldier made a howl, but continued to edge. Miserably, the commissar finished him off with one las round to the heart. One.

“So, maybe you’re the only one here to have done something good for the Imperium,” said the commissar walking to the last man. The soldier just stood, looking out in to horizon of hell. Silent rolled in for a moment that seemed forever.

The commissar looked into this man’s soul as well. But he noticed something, something that was different from the other Guardsmen. He saw the look of a killer. A look of crazed-man; a true Guardsman. “Well, maybe you are worth living for a little longer,” said the commissar. With agreement, the soldier nodded to him.

Another squad of Guardsmen came out from a nearby building, heading towards the other waves of Imperial soldiers. The commissar turned and yelled at them, “You soldiers are under my command now. ON WITH THE ASSAULT!”


(Well...what do you guys and gals think?)

KatTheBard
07-02-2009, 06:43 PM
The poem is good. My attention span is giving out so I didn't really read the story >> sorry <<

Lornkeit
07-24-2009, 09:48 PM
I'm going to be kind for two reasons! I certainly see very much potential and, as someone who enjoys writing myself, I know how personal these are to you and what it takes to show them to people. :)

That said, I have a few things to say. The poem is very light and fun; it has an interesting contrast with some of the more severe things happening (violent winds, trees shaking, etc), but it very much feels rushed. I know you said you did it in 20 minutes, and that some people don't like to go back and edit poetry- it can be a spur-of-the moment sort of a creation- I am one of these people and have to make myself edit sometimes.

Positives: Very interesting on a basic read-through; the contrast between the light subject and harsher appearance is very delightful.



For the short story, I have to say that I had trouble with it, but it's mostly just that I have no idea what Warhammer is and things that I assume to be references go over my head. I'd say that if you want it to be accessible to people outside of it to avoid references that don't have any real meaning to the text; if it's something for people who are involved in the same thing, I'm sure it's a lot more pleasant. The only thing I want to comment about is about grammar- and I hate doing this online, but it's what I'm posting to do, I suppose.

Most things are taken care of by Word, but I notice that Word doesn't have a very proper idea of the function of the semi-colon. It's purpose is very similar to that of a comma's in that they both divide a sentence. However, a semi-colon is much more severe, and, because of that, when a sentence that has a semi-colon in it is read, at the point of the semi-colon there is almost a break in the sentence- as if it were a period. The reason it's used is because one of the two parts can't stand by itself and needs to be connected to the other part.


The commissar squinted his eye and rose his left arm from his cloak, revealing a small las pistol.


“If you can’t care for your own weapon, you can’t care for your own life,” the commissar said.


The soldier fell to the ground, making a gagging noise of pain and misery. In less that a couple of seconds, he died


This soldier was trembling in place, almost losing his own balance.

For this one, it said, originally, was trembling - almost lost his own; it's not necessarily wrong, just not as favored; take that as a difference of opinion if you'd like!

That said, if you'd prefer almost lost, it could better be written as

This soldier was trembling in place and almost lost his own balance.


Before the commissar could even walk over to the next soldier, the soldier had dropped his weapon and started to run.

In all of these, there is not a significant enough deviation between the two sentences in order to warrant the use of a semi-colon. Your instinct is right, and there is a break present, but just one that does not require a semi-colon.

These, however, are properly administered:


“I…I wa….was”; the soldier couldn’t finish his sentence.


A look of crazed-man; a true Guardsman.

I'm very bad at explaining the semi-colon, I think, and it's mostly because it was never explained to me properly.

As far as content, again, I'm at a bit of a loss. In general it seems properly built, structurally and grammatically. I think it transfers properly the brutality of the commissar well and the general fear the other men have for him. I don't quite understand if I'm reading too much into the idea of looking into their souls- I don't know how to perceive the world they are in, I suppose, and maybe it's just because it isn't meant for me, but I figured I'd say so in case you hadn't meant for it to come out like that.

I hope you aren't particularly offended or anything like that about anything I've said! I think the whole going into grammar with people who like to write can get pretty touchy and I didn't mean for it to seem like I was being patronizing. I hope to read some other things you've written- I'm fairly new to this forum (just came in with the FF marathon wave, as it were :)) and might stumble upon other things you've posted if you indeed have..